Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category


written by Vicky, May 2012


my joy

written by vicky (12.2011)
(click image above to see it fully) 

hard to let go…

but what if the thing that makes you sad is the one thing that you can’t live without?

senti moment…

i miss my friends… the youthful ones who would drag me to drink and party at midnight and cry with me each time my heart breaks.

i miss my friends, those who go ahead to battle for me when somebody treats me wrong. 

i miss my friends, those who talk with me over mouths full of food or coffee or cake while trying to console me at the same time.

i miss my friends, whose joys have become my joys… whose sorrows have become my sorrows… and whose lives i will forever be a part of.

i miss my friends, who are miles and oceans apart from me right now and living their pains and joys without me.

but mostly, i miss the way i am when i am with them.

Cooking up :)

During the past few days, I have turned to creative cooking which, I happily discovered, has helped reduce my stress, and eased my emotional pains… and cheered me up somewhat. I call it creative because, all five dishes I prepared over the weekend, were either cooked in a different way than I used to do, or I cooked it from “taste” memory – which meant I improvised based on how I remember the dish actually tasted. And, I had guests invited to savor them.

So what were those dishes? Saturday: Beef with Mushroom in Cream Sauce; Stir Fried Vegetables with Fried Tofu; Ginger-Eggplant Saute with Chilli Sauce. Sunday: Beef Strips with Barbecue Sauce and a Siding of Fries; Pan Fried Salmon Steak with Lemon Butter Sauce. Yum yum yum 🙂 so my guests said….

Just turned one week in Jakarta, and here I am surviving, trying to be strong in a jungle of heartsick emotions through the delicious aromas and the dance of pots and pans in my kitchen on the 24th floor.

The Healing

Miranda opened her eyes and gazed up at the heavens, as if facing the sky for the first time. She breathed in the cool breeze that played about and kissed her delicate face. A soft chill enveloped her being. As she exhaled, a sense of peace glowed inside her. Miranda closed her eyes once again. Her lips formed into a smile.

“It is a new day” she whispered to herself.


Miranda opened her eyes gently at the sound of the affirmation. Of course, her eyes perceived no one. She came up the hill alone, but she was not really just by herself.

“You’re here,” she whispered again.

“I am.”

Miranda shivered as cool air swept about her. Instinctively, she turned her head to her right and spoke.

“I am ready…” she uttered.


The wind blew forth once more and Miranda listened as the nearby trees swayed in answer to the music of nature.

“I am ready…” she repeated.

“Patience, Miranda” the voice said.

Miranda felt the sun’s warmth cascade over her, like velvet it caressed her skin and gave her strength. She willingly absorbed the gift of the sun, the energy it provided. She imagined  her body filling up with the yellow glow of power, until she felt her essence tingle. She almost shone.

“Now, you are ready.”

Miranda smiled again. Opening her eyes, she stood firmly and opened her arms wide, as if to embrace the sky. She willed the fresh energy from her being  to push forth, and recharge her soul with the energy of the sun, the wind, the universe. She felt light yet strong. She felt grateful, she felt alive. She felt beautiful. She felt power.

“Accept the gift, Miranda…” the voice said warmly.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

A light breeze touched her cheek and then it was gone. Miranda smiled to herself. Her energy has been replenished. She can heal again. Nothing gave her more satisfaction than knowing this.

On impulse, she let her fingers touch the area over her heart. Though a broken heart heals, scars stay. Yet, when healing takes place, the scars only remind you that there is always a way to stand up again.

Miranda turned her eyes to the west, down the hill, to the village and the people that need her healing touch. Slowly, she made her way towards it, completely healed and broken no more.

All healing is first a healing of the heart.

I have loved to the point of madness,
That which is called madness,
That which to me,
Is the only sensible way to love.

No more words

true goodbyes
are the ones
never said
or explained

no more love songs
no more tomorrows
no more dreams
no more words…

just a smile…


Just today, a friend asked me to comment about relationships… and this, is what i had to say:

“if there is anything i learned, its that relationships are always full of ups and downs… you really have to love the other person more than yourself so that you can always forgive or say sorry. Effort really needs to be given to keep the romance going and keep the laughter going. Learn to speak the love language of your mate, always go on dates, and always do new things in bed! 🙂 And respect, never lose it. for if respect is lost, everything will be lost….”


there’s a better way to say “I love you”… 
it’s “I’ll be with you forever”...

there’s a better way to say “I need you”
it’s “Stay with me forever”

… for when you hear these words,
you know you are truly loved.

A Beautiful Past :)

I’m in my late thirties now, almost forty BUT NOT YET 🙂 and I certainly don’t look like it harharhar 🙂

I know I live a simpler life now, but looking back, despite the many challenges I went through, there were days… ohhh there were days when my life was full of victory, excitement, and glory. And talking about the challenges… well, if some people drank, I wrote. Writing was my outlet to pacify my raging emotions.

I used to think of my past in such a negative way (because of the challenges) that I had almost forgotten that a lot of beautiful things also happened to me.

How can I forget the glory days of my youth when I used to sing with the Cultural Center of the Philippines’ (CCP) Manila Girl’s Choir, the MET Chorus and the very prestigious UST Singers? The singing competitions (won a few times) and the standing ovations. Being cast in professionally produced musical plays with the Bangkok Community Theater in Bangkok, the concerts and solo stints with the Bangkok Camerata Singers. I had the opportunity to lead and motivate a group of rowdy young people in college to produce relevant school publications. It is a little heartwarming to think that those rowdy kids who used to bum around with me in old university halls are now leaders, managers, executives and professionals in their own right.

(pictured above, me on rightmost first row, w/ a cookie in mouth, & college theater group friends)


My Tagalog Novel

In 2009 I wrote a Tagalog novel “Ikaw Lang Sa Aking Bukas” (You are my Tomorrow) a romance novel about a seemingly unrequited love between a hardworking and passionate executive assistant and her handsome bachelor boss who himself is caught between a past love and an arranged marriage. Amidst a mystical visit to a psychic, intrigue, mystery and office politics, the love story between Misty and Jake grew from rejection, to realization, to heartbreak, to true love. Breaking convention of what a typical woman should be, my heroine’s character is a go-getter and innocently spontaneous at expressing herself, including her passion.

I accidentally dug up the novel and re-read it today. Still brought tears to my eyes, for reasons beyond just the story itself. I’m sharing the novel to the world today so feel free to download the pdf file. The novel is written in tagalog/filipino with a sprinkling of english.  I might write another one in the coming days 🙂 but that’s just a plan for now. Click here to download the novel or read it online.

Closing this post, let me just write here what I told a heartbroken friend the other day:  “Its better to break your heart than do nothing with it…”

Don’t be scared to tell someone you love them even though they may break your heart, you may break theirs if you don’t. And if you get your heart broken by doing so… at least you know its time to move on. 🙂


A Baring of Heart

A Baring of Heart: Thankyou, Goodluck, and Goodbye

To my dear friends at ADPC:

It is a little sad to note that come Monday morning, I will wake up realizing that I will no longer be doing what I’ve always done every Monday for the last 7++ years of my life: I won’t be getting ready anymore to go to ADPC and work.

When I first came to ADPC back in 1997, I was a foolish young girl (unbelievably innocent… yes Philipp, there was a time…), scraping my knee on the cemented walk from the computer building to ADPC office for my interview, trying to balance high heels, mini skirt, brisk walking and getting nervous over questions like “What can you say about your skills at filing?” 🙂 Its been such a long way since then…. with ADPC, I’ve grown professionally (and figuratively)… reached new heights (and weights) I couldn’t possibly reach without your support.

medium_cowboy-gang2.2.jpgIn this corner of the sky where ADPC shines in my life, I’ve done everything that I could hopefully want to do, met and worked with some of the best people in the world, and I’m grateful for the chance to be involved in writing the “media kit and cbdrm.” Now, another corner of the sky is waiting for me, a space and time where I could exercise my passion and write books called “confessions of a burned woman”.

And so now, I must go. But please imagine that I am hugging you all and telling you all three sincere words from my heart: thankyou, good luck, and goodbye.

Thankyou, for the relationship.
medium_IMG_0626.3.JPGThe friendships I have with each of you, (and even the love-hate relationship I’ve had with some of you *grin*) will always be remembered and cherished. You have been my home away from home all these years. When I am long gone, I will always think of the word thailand and family together because of you. To those I’ve fondly called by another name: peanut, cheechee, flippygirl, baleng-galeleng, sandwich, zeyyapae, superman, buy-arghya-buy, nin-nin, fifi, hihi, khunying, tolasap, lalala, narnia, mother, sexy, and glimpse of heaven, hope you don’t forget the term of endearment i’ve bestowed on you 🙂

Goodluck, because you deserve it.

Goodbye, because every farewell must remember the good in every parting.

“Thanks for the wonderful ride. It was an adventure I’ll never forget.”

medium_ADPC_06Retreat.png medium_HuaHin_40_.jpg

Yours sincerely,

Hannah’s Dance

Hannah’s Dance

to hannah faith, from mommy

My eyes, transfixed on the movement of your grass skirt as you danced on the wooden stage, began to water. Calm, beautiful, and innocent, your eyes gazed at me as you danced, and I knew you understood more. Understood why I could see you only twice a week. Understood why during those times my arms were always reluctant to let you go. Understood that I loved you deeply though I couldn’t be there to fix your hair, put flowers in your arms, and kiss you good luck before you went onstage.

I bet you didnt know, that I rejoiced in your laughter and your smile. And every conversation we’ve had is etched deeply in my heart. I bet you didn’t know, how hard I fought to keep you. I bet you didn’t know how hard still I fight so that nothing in this world would harm you. I bet you didn’t know, that the sacrifice of setting you free was for your own good. I bet you didn’t know that I call your name every night and pray for you as you grow.

You turned around, waving your tiny hands in the air as you gestured your final dance step and bowed. You saw tears and laughter at the same time in your mother’s eyes. Amid the echoes of applause, I said “I love you baby”. But you were no longer looking.

Still, I knew you understood.

Understood how proud I am of you, and that everyday I am loving you more. Understood that I am your mother, and someday that word will be tested and I will not fail. But in the meantime, I hope you’ll understand, why, with tears in my eyes, I had to leave before saying goodbye.

(to hannah faith, by vicky, 2005 [luha ng ina])

Hannah Faith now, age 11, year 2010, my beloved daughter:

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